You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
