I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Randomize