would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
