The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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