I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
