I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Randomize
