I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
