I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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