wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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