Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
