so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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