you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
