I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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