don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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