go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
