Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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