it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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