4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
