Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
