Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
