well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
