Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
