I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
