I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
