She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
