lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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