Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
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