Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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