Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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