Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize