the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
