Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
