I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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