I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Watching her eat just hurts me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
