Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
