can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
