I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
