Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
