i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You ruined the universe
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
