I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
