Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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