If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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