Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
