It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
