I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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