I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize