When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize