Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
