On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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