In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just made my gag reflex go away.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
