im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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