did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
