he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
