So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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