Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
