I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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