I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
