Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
