just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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