i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
