You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
