We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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