I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
