Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
