I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize